A Season Within

Dear friends,

I don't quite know how to explain what's been going on with me lately, but let me try.

These days my mind feels like it's wandering through fog. I start things, so many things, but nothing carries me through to the end. My plans walk beside me for a few steps, then quietly slip away, and I can't even tell you where they went.

I still meet people. I look them in the eye; I smile. But honestly? Half the time it feels like I'm not really there. Someone's sitting right in front of me, lighting up the room with their words, and I've drifted off into some dark little corner of my own head. Then a question suddenly lands on me, and I realise the conversation moved on ages ago, and I got left behind.

You know that strange moment when someone's lips are moving but the sound just... doesn't reach you? That's been happening too. I'm listening, and somehow still not hearing.

My books are still right here beside me. But the words don't settle into me the way they used to. A few pages in, and my mind quietly shuts its windows. Characters from films and stories hold my hand for a little while, then fade out before my eyes.

And music, music used to speak my feelings for me. Now it's just background noise. The roads keep getting longer, my feet keep moving, but the melodies never quite reach my heart.

Even the rain has changed. Its drops used to carry memories, scents, a quiet kind of joy. Now it just feels like water falling from the sky.

And tea, you all know how much I love my tea. I used to sit with it, breathe it in, live inside those few minutes. These days I just gulp it down like a chore I need to finish.

Loud voices tire me out now. Those gatherings where one person takes over every season of the room? They completely drain me. Sometimes talking itself lands on my mind like a weight, and a dull ache sets up camp in the middle of my forehead and refuses to leave.

People come, fill your life with colour, and then one day they quietly walk away. I've noticed I don't grieve those goodbyes the way I once did. Maybe because I've slowly made peace with something: every bond, the ones we're born into, and the ones we build with love, is only a fellow traveller for part of the road.

If autumn has settled over my soul right now, then somewhere beneath the fallen leaves, spring's seeds are sleeping too.

But here's what I keep reminding myself: seasons never stay. If autumn has settled over my soul right now, then somewhere beneath the fallen leaves, spring's seeds are sleeping too. Maybe this is just a bend in the road. A season that will pass.

So if my eyes seem far away these days, if my attention drifts, if my silence feels like coldness, please don't take it personally. I'm not upset with anyone. I'm just passing through a long journey inside myself.

Hassan | hassanaliverse